Hi another update today, nothing special really just some pictures many of you already've seen. They've kindly been hosted by Lucce. Thanks pal! :)


Pushing away some hair from my face


Liu Bochen and Lai Xiaoxuan shows some chinese straight sword.


Hello and all that. Me and Huang Lijie stretching.


The kung fu club busy making posters. Well except for me, I'm just fooling around.

Ah, more preaching e-mails. I'm getting the feeling it's a bad habit. I wish I could do something to help you all though, although I can barely help myself from getting all caught up in illusion. Because you should know that's all it is.

Your desires, your wants, your self. It's all just an illusion of your own grasping mind. Like looking everywhere in the house for the glasses you're already wearing. No wonder we're all getting so exhausted. I used to think there was something to be found, some dreams to come true. But all dreams are, are but stars in the night sky of your own mind. They can be beautiful to look at, and make you feel calm inside, but try to take them and bring them closer and you'll only find disappointments.

And now you think I'm wrong because dreams do come true. But that's only what it seems like. What comes true is something else. Everything is always new.

Tiiired. Even though I slept like 5 hours after I got home. But I guess slacking in front of a computer does that to you. As usual I spent my time replying to e-mails. Speaking of them I got a really long one from my mum essentially saying she was feeling really down and she had borrowed money to my sister again. Too bad.

Now I'm gonna rant some philosophy here. I already preached today so I guess I be all fired up. Basically what my sister needs to do is to Fall. All of us do. We need to feel really really bad and at the end of our ropes and then get pushed over the edge. Only that way can we actually find the solution when we're getting stuck in a dead end. I've been through a bad one in the late 90's. It hollowed me out until there was nothing left, and I gave up. Which finally let me come back to a new better life. The more we put off "the Fall" the more painful and wrecking it will be. So try to die a little every day. If you wait until you've reached the 10th floor before you jump down it's gonna be painful as hell. If you jump down as soon as you ascended a single step it's not gonna be a problem. A little inconvenient maybe, which is why we don't do it. That and because we think we're supposed to get high up in that tower.

My sister has been postponing HER Fall for years. Now she has no money and borrows everything from her mother. She keeps blaming everything else for her lack of success and doesn't understand her lack of success comes from her not acting according to nature's will. I just hope hope hope my mother will stop succumbing to the temptation to lend her money soon. Because that fall from the 10th floor doesn't only hurt, it might kill ya too. That's the danger, that's why I'm worrying about my sister's Fall. Because she's gonna be falling far enough to feel like committing suicide.

We might think fate isn't fair to us, but in fact it's not fairness we want. The more we want, the less we appreciate what we get.

Lose desire and every wish will be fulfilled.

Today bad news have yet to drop into my mailbox, but it's probably only a matter of time.

I'm really on my way home to sleep a few hours now. Too little sleep last night and the night before that.
I'm sitting here eating potatoe chips (the "Poca" brand) feeling really decadent. Outside it's just warm enough to classify as being hot, but it's manageable. I'm just gonna say goodbye to Lucce who's on ICQ right now (but you ought to be sleeping Lucce!) and then really go home (and not lazily surf around for an hour or so which I'm prone to do when I don't get enough e-mail). Really.

Bye bye.

More people unhappy.Maybe it's just because I feel good everyone elses misery seems so much more acute, or maybe it just happens to be that several of my friends have bumped into hard times for one reason or the other. I don't know.

Anyway, yesterday I was with the kung fu club at some high school to present the club. Unlike the show last weekend I didn't participate at all. I just tagged along for the ride. So no stress whatsoever for me.

This morning it was getting up early for me. 6 o'clock and time to rise and shine. Despite having had no time to study the day before I managed to pull off some studying before the test this morning. I think it worked out nicely except for me forgetting how to draw "tiao" grrr. Don't know how I could forget about that. Oh well. Today I have homework and I need to prepare for another test for tomorrow. On top of that I'm gonna work with the kung fu club's webpage today. And try to practice some as well. Did I forget to mention I'm tired because I slept less than 6 hours tonight? Haha.

But I don't want to whine. Really. However I must admit I was a bit grumpy today during the second hour of classes today. The others were having such atrocious accents, not that my pronounciation is good, but aaaah today it really got to me (despite me saying I'm happy and harmonious). I tried hard to think happy thoughts and relax, but it was hard. I ended up trying to complete read the sentences twice as fast as the others so my pronounciation wouldn't get messed up.

I guess the problems of others do are getting to me or I wouldn't get so this distracted by trivialities such as the japanese woman still insisting on prononuncing the word for sun - which sounds like "rrrr" - like "li". Only because it happens to be written in pinyin like "ri" (not that it's pronounced that way), and many japanese don't make a difference between "r" and "l" so thus "rrrr" becomes pinyin "ri" which becomes "li". And that's just an example. Ah, I know it's nothing to worked up about but why the heck isn't she improving? It's like most of the american/english students who insist on pronouncing chinese with a heavy english/american accent. It's amazing they can do it with the sounds of the languages being so far apart.

Oh well. I guess I'm tired or I wouldn't get annoyed by these things. Hope everyone out there can feel better soon. Adios for now.

Ok, going to bed at 4:30 and getting up at 6:45 proved no problem today. I might be a little bit sleepy, but going home and sleep for a few hours should take care of that. In the afternoon I'm supposed to join the kung fu club for a show at some high school so I better get some sleep before that happens.

My mother read my blog and asked me "have you been that depressed all of the time?" Maybe I wasn't clear. I'm not unhappy, in fact I'm very happy for myself right now.

But people dear to me are in trouble, with deep problems of their own. It would have broken my heart to talk to them and I would be deeply unhappy too. However, I have come far enough on my path not to be broken apart by it. And maybe because of that I have strength to help that otherwise would not have been there.

And to you who I'm talking about, who are swimming in the sea of despair, my heart goes out to you.

Ok, this is insane I'm still not home and have to get up at 7.
But there is just too much sadness everywhere. I'm lucky to have come so far or it would rip me into pieces as if I were made out of paper. For all you sad and miserable souls out there, I wish your mind will open to the beauty of all there is. It's hard to see and much harder to hold in your hearts.
I used to be deluded like you, sad like you. It gripped me like a disease, but now I'm finally healing and not much more than a slight cough and a sore throat remains. Remember there is always someone out there who loves you.

Oh, got late to practice today. I just had to send off a few e-mails. Can't get into that right now though. And now I'm sitting here again although I ought to be home sleeping. Oh well.

Mostly everything is fine here although the weather is too hot (as usual). One good thing though is that the prices on food here is really great, for 15 yuan you get a BIG cup of freshly squeezed watermelon juice, and the lunch I ate cost 35 but I could barely finish half of it because it was so much. Food prices here are really only a fraction of the prices in Sweden. I should get going now though - first home to study and then off to chang quan practice. 'Dios.

Whaaa... My foot is hurting from sitting on the chair here at the internet cafe. Not a really interesting first notice on my blog, is it? It's too warm outside and I wanna go home to sleep, but most of all I'm wishing I had some nice e-mails to read today. But did I get any? No of course not. Oh well, time to go. Have a good day or something.